When I was in 6th grade, I made a promise to myself, after reading a story about teens who cut themselves, that I would never be like that. Since I had no god in my life, it took only a short time to brake that promise to myself.

Every day I would come home from school and listen to my mother yell at me for doing something or not doing something. It just seemed everything I did wasn't right, so I became "dark" as I called it. I would spend hours upon hours in my bedroom listening to music and writing poetry. My windows had sheets over them to keep that light out and I only used candles as light. Later in time, writeing poetry and listening to music broke to cutting myself with whatever sharp object I could find in my dark chamber of a bed room. I remember when I first tried it. I went into the bathroom and got out a razor, broke it, took the razor blade and cut my arm. The pain was unbearable! I thought, "how could some people cut themselves five or six times?!" The pain was too much and so I only cut myself three times on my left arm. From the end of 6th grade until 10th grade, I cut my arm . . . and the sadest thing was, no one knew or suspected me of being that way. I always put a show on for everyone. I smiled and was always hyper and in a good mood, but deep inside I was dying. I was slowly being killed by satan himself.

Right before 8th grade started, Satan used the thing I loved the most to try and kill me . . . my mother. I guess he was using her since the begining, but that one summer he really got to me. I had told my mother my dream of becoming a storm chaser after high school. She said, "HA! You'll never become that! You don't work hard enough." The following spring (May 27, 1997) I tried for the first time to take my life. I couldn't take the pain from my mothers verbal abuse and I couldn't take the fact that no one loved me. Man, was I wrong! But I didn't know that at the time. I had used a kitchen knife, I know that. The rest is all a blur.

After my first attempt, I went from cutting myself every other month to every night. I never felt pain. I felt calm and at peace. As I watched the blood flow from my arm, it was like my problems flowing from my body. Christians give their problems to Jesus; I sliced my arm open to get rid of mine. I would also lay in bed and think of ways I could kill myself. Slit my wrists. Take a bottle of pills. Jump in front of a passing train. I even thought about running away and finding some man who would murder me. I thought about death all the time during those days. Marilyn Manson had even found a home in my CD player. Life was confusing. Life was hard.

August 21, 1997 was the first day of high school. The best of all days for teenagers, right? Well, that's what I made myself to think. I didn't want to go at first. I wanted to stay in my "chamber" and listen to Marilyn Manson scream throgh my CD player; but my friend dragged me out of the house. Everything was cool once I got to the high school. My first day as a freshman was great! I was a "big kid" now. I had picked some swingin' classes and all my teachers were pretty cool. The way I saw it, life was looking pretty good. But then the day was up and I had to go home. Home to the woman who didn't believe in me and used harsh words to show that. I soon got scared and didn't want to go home. I decided on the walk home that I was going to try and open the communication thing between my mom and myself; so I agreed with myself to tell her all about my new life as a high school student. When she got home, I was sitting at the kitchen table. She came in the door, took off her shoes, put her keys and purse down in front of me, went to the bathroom and changed her cloths, went to the front porch, got the paper, came back to the kitchen, sat down right across from me and started to read it. Not once did she say hi and most of all, "How was your first day as a high schooler?" I was crushed. I went up stairs and waited for her to come in and ask about my first day, but she never did. My heart was broken. I took a razor blade and cut my arm seven times and it was then that I decided to do more than just that. Death was now an obsession. An obsession soon to be fulfilled.

As you may have guessed, I tried to kill myself again. But this was the big one. I will never forget that night. I will never forget all the tears and blood. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. How could I have been so stupid? There was a way out and it wasn't suicide . . . it was God! My grandmother tried so hard for me to see that, but I just thought she was nuts. If only I could have not acted like a rotten teenager and listen to her. Anyways, between August 21, 1997, and May 7, 1999, life was so hard. I was anorexic, suicidal, depressed, just everything it seemed. But on May 7 I started to tell people and on that same day I told the school counselor. Just telling people about made me feel better. So how does God fit into this mess? Well, here's the awsome part! I was invited to a summer camp. I was told it was relgious and so I was kinda unsure, but I went any ways hating every minute of it. But on one night, I opened my mind and gave up my biggest burden to Jesus. That burden was my mother. I was always told to solve your problems, take care of them one at a time. Well this was me taking care of the first one; I gave it to Jesus. If you compare the tears I cried when I slit my wrists in August, they don't come close the amout I cried when I sat on the floor under the cross and prayed for the first time.

July 9 is my second birthday. And it was shortly after becomeing a Christian for the first time that I found this in the Bible, "Sometimes it takes a painful experience to make us change our ways (Proverbs 20:30)"

God has plan for EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US. And with me, His plan was for me to go through all that hell to get to heaven. I don't question why I went through that stuff any more. It happened because God wanted it to happen. Today I teach other's that suicide it not the answer but that Jesus is. And it has helped people in their life. For the whole story:"http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Forest/6139/PaRaDiSefOuNd.html"